Saturday 31 December 2011

SATURDAY BREAKFAST #13: HIGH STREET, PRESTON

Visited 24 December, 2011

We had breakfast at the former fire station in High Street, Preston, now known as The Old Fire Station Café Gallery.  While there’s been a complete change in occupancy and use, the premises haven’t been totally made over.  The café occupies three ground-floor spaces, two inside - the principal one being the room that used to house the fire engines - and one a sizeable yard with plenty of cover provided by umbrellas.  There’s a detached two storey building beyond the yard, formerly living quarters for brigade personnel, I imagine, not associated with the Café; and who knows the status of the rooms above the Café – there’s no access, not even a shiny firemen’s pole to shinny up.
The décor is retro - a grab-bag of unmatched chairs, with laminex-topped kitchen tables of the 1950s and earlier.  Pretty daggy really, and not all that kempt; and the general impression is cheap rather than chic.  The food was average, but the coffee was excellent (although, as is so often the case, the second cups weren’t so good).  The cutlery was cheap – which isn’t the opposite of expensive.  The owners could have picked up good quality 60-year old cutlery from any opp shop for a song; instead we had forks that felt as thought they would bend in our hands.  An uncomfortable situation for patrons; and somebody should be told.
If you’d asked me in advance to guess the time when Preston was settled I would have said the 1890s, maybe 1880s.  But two High Street buildings were dated in the 1860s, one showing 1861 on its upper facade.  The answer lies in the amazing transformative effect of the Victorian gold rush.  Melbourne’s white settlement commenced in 1836; and, within 15 years, gold had been discovered in central Victoria, and thousands of gold-seekers were travelling north from Melbourne, including via High Street.   We can be sure that the solid 1861 building was a replacement of an earlier and more modest edifice, the later one built from the profits of trading with the would-be miners.
High Street is a major northern outlet from central Melbourne.  It retains its given name through a series of suburban localities, first Westgarth, then Northcote and Thornbury to Preston and beyond.  The Preston strip has undergone significant change in recent years.  The many Viet premises attest to a change in local demographics.  The construction of a median strip, complete with the plantings of Manchurian pears, has made the street more intimate and friendly, and there are numerous new high-rise apartments on High Street itself and behind.   Clearly people are moving into the area – it’s an area in transition.    Still there are lots of empty shop premises, often derelict looking; yet, despite this, and despite  the Woolworths complex in the back streets between High Street and the railway line, I fancy that High Street will rise again and once more become a  robust retailing strip.   So some free commercial advice:  open an up-market coffee shop and eatery.  There were only two breakfast places in the 250 metres of strip we explored, neither of them classy.
At the extreme northern end of our traverse there was a huge bicycle shop, Ray’s Preston, more an emporium than a shop.  There were a number of window displays, including a real treasure – a 1903 “The Charleston” bike.  In terms of basic design it didn’t look much different from a standard bike today, just simpler.  It had wooden grips on the handlebar, a bar-type handbrake under the right-side of the handlebar, and it had no gears.  As an indication of its bold 1903 modernity it had a sprung seat.  My Google search for information on “Charleston bicycle” - to establish, for instance, whether The Charleston was Australian made - produced over 50000 hits, but the first several pages were mostly to do with a bicycle business in Charleston South Carolina, and I gave up. …….but not before I’d learnt that around April 2010 the Canberra Bicycle Museum sold off its collection of 700 bikes.  The oldest bike in the collection dated from 1817.  The Museum website has been abandoned, but it seems that the collection had to go because of renovations to the Canberra Tradies Club, the owners of the Museum.  One posting expresses the heartfelt wish that someone would acquire the entire collection, but another posting says that the bikes all went “to good homes” – with the exception of a core 28 cycles that have been retained, albeit in storage.  A sad little story.  Why didn’t one of our public museums step in to keep the collection intact?
High Street’s major building is the former Preston City Hall, built in 1929 to replace the original 1895 Town Hall.  This building is now the civic centre of the merged City of Darebin.  Reached from the side street, all spick and span with a new iron roof, is a separate building, the “town hall” – used, I imagine, for large official and other functions.  The main High Street building doesn’t have the Victorian-era grandeur of the older Melbourne-area Town Halls – indeed, it’s “eclectic blend of the Queen Anne and French Second Empire styles” elicits a “what the…..?” reaction.
Standing in front of the old City Hall is a far more interesting structure, the First World War memorial.  The structure is about four metres square, about five metres high, and has a flagpole on its roof.  There are four corner pillars, and four more side pillars a little towards the centre of each side.  The structure is made of red brick, with occasional courses of rough-hewn stone.
The east/west sides are open, although passage has been impeded by the later erection of a plain brick pillar, with a tablet commemorating the dead of all subsequent wars and skirmishes.   The north/south sides are enclosed, and the inner wall space of each side is faced with white marble inlaid with black lettering.  The south side is fully taken up with the names of those from Preston who served in World War I.  The north side lists those who served and also perished; and the balance of the tablet contains an assortment of information about the War.  From the evidence of war memorials seen elsewhere, it was commonplace to show (as the Preston memorial does) “Principal Battles”, “Historical Events and Dates”, “Historical Names and Places”, “AIF War Statistics”, and “Casualties” - but never before have I seen a listing of “The Contending Forces”.  As a consequence, however, I now know that the good guys, The Allied Powers, were Great Britain and Dominions, France and Dominions, Belgium, Italy, Portugal, Japan, Serbia, Roumania, Russia for two Years, and United States of America.  The very listing is a lesson in history.  Note, in particular, that at the time the memorial was built it was appropriate – certainly in Preston Australia - to regard Australia, Canada etc. as mere British appendages under the description “Dominions”.  And note that although Russia’s withdrawal from the War after the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution warranted special mention, the short war of the Americans, whose doughboys didn’t arrive in Europe until after the USA declared war in April 1917, is not similarly engraved. 
The really curious thing is why the enemy countries are also listed.  Under the heading Central European Powers are German Empire, Austro-Hungary, Turkish Empire, and Bulgaria.  Were they being accorded honourable opponent status, or are the names there merely for historical completeness?  In any case, with four groupings only, versus the long list of Allied Powers, how is it that hostilities continued for nearly 4 ½ years?  Geoffrey Blainey observes that previous wars were typically fought by armies detached from the general populace, there was a pivotal battle and a victorious army, and an armistice was signed.  But in WWI whole populations were involved, either in the military services or as producers of food and armaments to satisfy the huge scale of the military operation……………although, as Blainey points out without irony, the demand for armaments was so great that the progress of the War was frequently held up waiting for deliveries to the front of fresh supplies of bullets and shells.   Trench warfare was also a prolonging factor, as was the fact that the War was being fought on several fronts simultaneously.  And throughout the War there was the continuing game of pick-up-sides, as formerly neutral nations signed up, and their physical involvement had to be slotted in.  Then there was simple psychology - neither side wished to concede defeat.  The four months madness of the Somme in 1916 claimed nearly a million dead and wounded, and after such an investment of flesh and blood which side could surrender with honour?  Double your bets ladies and gentlemen.  But, in the end, the obvious reason why the War lasted so long is that the sides were evenly matched.   Eventually the armistice was negotiated on the back of mutual exhaustion.  Sure the German army was in retreat, but it was more a retreat in the face of the inability to win rather than a retreat based on defeat………………………………. and this mindset gave rise to the sentiment in Germany that Germany wasn’t defeated it was betrayed, a sentiment that Hitler exploited a decade later and which was fundamental to his rise to the Chancellorship.
On the whole, the High Street experience was a pleasant one, but we left on a note of incredulity.  Passing the local undertaker’s we noticed a window display of funerary jars.   These were not ashes containers of stone or metal, but were porcelain, and obviously not intended to be temporary receptacles or to be buried, but meant for the mantelpiece.  Nothing surprising about that, I guess, except that these porcelain jars were not merely product samples, they were inhabited.  The dates of each dear deceased were engraved on the side, plus a coloured depiction.  Moreover, these were not last week’s cremations - the death dates on the jars were some time ago; and the mind conjures up stories of abandonment and treachery.   Did the family get tired of the project, and decide never to collect father?  Perhaps the widow died before she could collect, and nobody else knew.  Maybe the thought of dad’s stern gaze from the mantel became too much to handle.  Or, possibly, due reflection revealed that there wasn’t enough money to pay the balance of the purchase price.   Imagine the undertaker being landed with unsaleable stock!  Turn adversity into triumph: put them on display!
One jar was for a dog.  Pet cremation, I have subsequently learnt, is a thriving industry.  Are pet cremation fees based on size?  Is it cheaper to cremate a little yapper than a big woofer?    Personally, I’d be happy to see a special discount price for the yappers – it might stimulate business.

Gary Andrews

Friday 23 December 2011

SATURDAY BREAKFAST #12: NEPEAN HIGHWAY, FRANKSTON

Visited 26 November, 2011

Frankston used to have a reputation as bogan territory. 
Having said that, I realized that I have no direct knowledge of Frankston’s demographics, past or present, and no right to make the assumption or to pass it on.  Moreover, I’m not sure what precisely the word bogan means.  To me it is someone uneducated, rough, uncultured, boorish, and dressed outlandishly – and all of this thrust boldly in the face of non-bogans with an “up you” attitude.  Furthermore, my mind’s eye sees all bogans as teenagers or twenty-somethings; a middle-aged bogan is an incongruity - although my description can still fit.
So I looked up a dictionary of Australian slang, and read the following definition:  “A person who takes little pride in his appearance, spends his days slacking and drinking beer”.   Certainly no age limit is suggested there;  and, indeed, it is clearly possible to become more bogan-like as one ages.  There is also a useful Wikipedia entry, which includes a note on the “bogan concept”:  “Certain types of clothing are stereotypically associated with bogans, including flannelette shirts, monkey hoodies, Stubbies shorts, ugg boots, jeans and black leggings.”  There’s even a website, www.bogan.com that pokes fun at itself, while at the same time providing a detailed description of bogan characteristics and bogan behavior.
What’s now clear to me is that to describe the Frankston of 30 years ago as bogan central is to do an injustice to bogans.  Underpinning the slur on Frankston was the perception of a higher than average crime rate.  It may also have had a higher than average bogan concentration – but bogans are not criminal by definition, or even “bad” people, they are merely duh people.
Frankston 60 years ago was quite different – different from its later years of decline, and different from today…………………can you believe the profundity of that statement?  But you get the drift.  In the early 1950s Frankston was principally known for its peerless white beach, the last on the line of the eastern Bayside beaches reachable by the electrified railway system.  There was the steam train connection to Stony Point on Western Port, but Stony Point wasn’t usually a beach destination, rather the connection to the French Island ferry.  And to get to the Port Phillip beaches beyond Frankston required motor transport, not then the province of all citizens as it is today.
Fairy story:  Once upon a time the Andrews family spent a Christmas vacation at Frankston, staying in an apartment at the rear of a ladies’ hairdresser in Wells Street.    This is not my Andrews family, but my parents’ Andrews family – at that time comprising my parents, plus me, plus sister Margaret.  It was 1951/1952 I think, but it may have been earlier.  The premises were actually a small cottage, with the hairdresser in the font rooms, and the holiday let in the rear rooms with access through a side gate.  Wells Street remains, but the hairdresser’s shop and the rental accommodation are long gone.  The whole area between that spot and the railway line and station to the east has been devoured by a huge shopping area – not a discrete shopping centre, but lumps and clumps of retail development, one of the most higgledy-piggledy imaginable. 
Back in 1951 it was a dreamy summer on the beach – although with some inconvenience. No summer of my childhood ever passed without me being severely sunburnt.  Here I have to admit that the populace has become smarter, because today you never hear of a child being badly burnt – the “slip, slop, slap” campaign has been successful.  But back then, while we didn’t set out to get sunburnt (as distinct from getting a suntan), we were not ultra violet wise.  My fate was always to be burnt, while Margaret with her olive skin always “just went brown”.  My vivid memory of Frankston includes the early-on sunburnt back, some days of pain and itch and lotions, then the peeling of the outer layers of skin - in long strips off my back, with Margaret being the chief peeler.
Today’s jaunt along Nepean Highway brought this to mind as we crossed the Wells Street corner.   The strip itself, not surprisingly given the mega-retailing nearby, is no longer the “main street” location it once was, and has little to recommend it.  Perhaps a residue of boganvillia was to be seen at one corner, where there was a McDonald’s, a Subway, and a Jenny Craig, with a Weight Watchers next door to the Subway!  And there were three pawnbrokers nearby.
We had breakfast at Vada Café, number 465 Nepean Highway.  It didn’t start well.  We noted the three front of house staff, and sat down waiting to be served.  After some time we noticed the small sign over the cash register telling customers to front up with their orders.  No staff member had come near us, not to say hello, not to tell us that the system says we should order at the counter, not to tell us to get lost – which is what the lack of any welcoming smile seemed to be saying.  We are not unaware of the “place your own order” routine, but when the signage is less than prominent, and when there are ample staff numbers who are doing nothing but chatter with the barista and deliver completed orders to the tables, then the Andrews blood boils.
Then there was the chalkboard, which I didn’t see.  There was a comprehensive menu, but the muesli was toasted, and our preference was to forgo it in favour of cooked breakfasts.  Then, standing at the cash register, I noticed the dish of gooey muesli in the counter refrigerator.  Yes, it was Bircher; didn’t I see it on the chalkboard?
Anyway, having vented, I need to confess that the muesli, doused in mixed cooked berries, was scrumdiddlyumptious [Spell Check has gone berserk].  And the coffee was exceptionally good. 
In continuous projection on a television screen was a promo for a Papua New Guinea children’s charity…………..and it transpires that Vada Café is owned and operated by the Gateway Church on behalf of their Gateway Children’s Fund.  A totally worthy cause, and totally okay by me that commercial profit should be channeled to that good cause. 
One final question.  Why is it Frankston and not Frankstown?  The suffix “ton” in place names is a shortening of “town”, but why is it used for some places and not others?  Sure take your pick, but what determines the choice?  In the Melbourne region we have numerous “tons” – Frankston, Alphington, Brighton, Flemington, Hampton, Ashburton, Carlton, Kensington, Preston, Clayton and so on.  But we have only two “towns” – Williamstown and Thomastown.  I suppose I could equally ask, why isn’t it Williamston?

Gary Andrews

 

Wednesday 21 December 2011

SATURDAY BREAKFAST #11 - CHURCH STREET, RICHMOND (NEAR BRIDGE ROAD CORNER)

Visited 17 December, 2011

Why choose to explore Church Street when Bridge Road is by far the more important and vibrant thoroughfare of the two intersecting streets?
The answer has more than a touch of the George Mallory rejoinder on being asked why he wished to climb Everest:  “Because it’s there”.  Couple this defiant attitude with the fact that we’ve already explored the whole of Bridge Road, and the explanation becomes as plain as vanilla. 
This was going to be a bit of a nostalgia binge for me.  I spent my growing up years (from seven to twenty-one) about 200 metres – although they were yards in those days – to the east along Bridge Road, living above my parents’ businesses, a cake shop and a delicatessen.  On this very intersection was the ES&A Bank (now ANZ), where I frequently brought the daily takings
We started our walk on the south-west corner, heading south as far as Berry Street, then north along the eastern side of Church Street as far as Highett Street, returning finally to the intersection – with breakfast along the way. 
At the starting point is a large clothing store selling “samples & seconds”, down-market, and nothing like the business it once was.  It used to be “Alexander’s”, and its fame and clientele extended way beyond Richmond.  The founder and proprietor, Ben Alexander, was a larger-than-life figure - patron and life member of the Richmond Football Club, and supporter of all things local; an ever-present figure in the store, even when wheelchair-bound in later life.  The magic died with him, and the store is named Alexander’s no more.   But high above Bridge Road is an Alexander’s advertising placard that nobody has bothered to remove……………………..take it as a reminder of the good times of the past, or take it as a symbol that all things pass in time.
To the south of the former Alexander’s is a dreary group of businesses; while on the other side of Church Street the streetscape is little better.   A couple of places have low lintels, and a step-down into the shop premises with floor levels lower than the pavement.  Very odd.  One of them, a total shambles, calls itself the Richmond Sewing Centre and offers clothing alterations and an array of similar services.  It couldn’t possibly have sufficient business to support the nine or so sewing machines set up and apparently operational.  A bit of a mystery.  Perhaps they hold sewing classes, and the machines are there for customer use. 
There’s a terrace house, once the family home of a school friend, now converted to The Old Barber Shop coffee shop; and there’s an actual barber shop, imaginatively named The Barber of Seville. 
On the south-east corner of Bridge Road, evidenced by the cellar trapdoor set into the footpath, is The Vine Hotel.  The hotel now calls itself a “gaming lounge and café bar”.  Oddly, there are no beer advertisements on the exterior.
Across the way from The Vine, on the north-east corner, is the solid and attractive terrace of two-storey single-user premises that stretches for some distance along Bridge Road.  I wonder that it has survived Whelan the Wrecker, but perhaps these days it comprises a bunch of strata-title owners and is somewhat immune from the ultimate indignity of demolition.  Further along Church Street is McDonald’s.  Obviously I have no 1950s memory of Maccas, nostalgic or otherwise, but I can’t recall what used to stand on the spot either.   I do, however, recall the previous occupant of the site of the police station next door.   This was the location of the Picton Hopkins factory.  Picton Hopkins was and is a specialist manufacturer of plaster products – cornices, ceiling roses, mouldings etc.  The business has been operated by the same family since 1857, an amazingly long continuity.  The business moved from Richmond to Preston some years ago, but in the 1950s it was a landmark Richmond business and employer.  It’s possible that the Picton Hopkins building occupied the present sites of both the police station and McDonald’s.
While the present police station is of recent vintage (commissioned in February 2004) I do have some 1950s memories of policing at Richmond.  The former Richmond police station still stands, abandoned and sealed up, around the corner in Bridge Road next to the Richmond City Hall.  It’s a free-standing two-storey brick building, with a small bluestone lock-up at the rear.  The main structure is in polychrome brickwork, and that brickwork plus the architectural detail is identical to the original sections of the City Hall visible along the side and rear (the hall gained a new façade with art deco motifs in the 1930s, leaving the original bits hidden from Bridge Road).  The old Town Hall was built in the 1890s, and I’m sure the old police station is of identical vintage.
The location of the former police station is almost opposite our old shops, and the coppers were committed pie and sandwich eaters.  So we saw a lot of the constabulary and of the plain-clothes detectives stationed at Richmond.  These were not the difficult times of the 1920s when the gangs – known as “pushes” - terrorized the streets, and when their violence was matched by police violence.  Nevertheless, there was still plenty of criminality and violence in Richmond in the 1950s, and the police were well known for their direct policing.  Many a miscreant was treated to the summary justice of a knuckle sandwich in a back lane of Richmond.  As regular luncheon patrons, the detectives were “friends”.  Friends can be asked to fix things, and such it was.  I remember one detective, Keith Platfuss, who was regarded as a tough man; and only recently I saw his name in connection with some matter later in his career, and he was still tough.  I know that the association with detective Platfuss and his colleagues gave my father a sense of security that he wouldn’t otherwise have had.
Citizens Park (in my day known as Richmond Oval) is on the corner of Church Street and Highett Street.  It’s an oval with a scrap of adjacent recreational space, and is a resource much used by today’s Richmond populace.  There are playground facilities for youngsters; and the curious rockeries and unkempt lantana and broom of 50 years ago are gone, as is the sports pavilion where Grandpa Andrews used to play cribbage upstairs with his cronies.
There’s not much of note over the road on the west side of Church Street until you get to Bridge Road – where there’s the bank on the corner, and the shopping centre tucked in behind.  Over 50 years the principal changes in the bank have been twofold – to the banking corporation, and to the premises.  It’s now an ANZ bank, the ES&A identity having disappeared in the merger of 1970.  And the former building, of classic ES&A design, was replaced years back…………hopefully the building is functional because it certainly isn’t attractive.  It is sited well back from the Bridge Road frontage, further than would be required by the town planning order over the strip of Bridge Road between Church Street and Punt Road.  This piece of town planning was intended to relieve the obvious bottle-neck caused by the narrowness of the strip, and ultimately to open out the road to the same width as Bridge Road on the flat.  It must be 50 years ago when this measure introduced the rule that all new buildings on the north side of Bridge Road must be set back a significant distance from the present street line.  The rule has no in-built time frame, and it has no applicability to individual sites unless and until there’s a plan to modify or to re-build.  The result is the broken-tooth effect we have today, with the buildings of the most recent 50 years being set back, and the older buildings having a quiet snigger on their larger allotments.  Is this long-term planning at its best or at its worst?  The reality is that times have changed, and the need to widen the street is less pressing.  Now we have clearway provisions; now the flat section of Bridge Road – courtesy of a dedicated tram lane – has itself been reduced to one vehicle lane only; and now the 40 kph zoning has reduced traffic speed much more than the narrow tarmac ever did. 
And so to the shopping centre, Richmond Plaza.  L-shaped with access from both Church Street and Bridge Road, small and pokey as the minuscule site size dictates, with a Coles supermarket and not much else.  The big news, posted on several frontages, is that a major re-development is due to commence early in 2012.  The present sad real estate will be demolished, and superseded by an edifice with from three to twelve storeys, offices, shops (including a supermarket), a gym, and up to 333 dwellings.  Some re-development!  Pity help the small shopkeepers – either the closure (and temporary re-location for many months) will break them, or the size of the rents in the new centre will do it.
On the corner of the Church Street entrance to the shopping centre we found Café Pronto, and breakfasted there.  The staff members were amiable.  The toast under the good bacon and scrambled eggs was dark rye, and buttered.  But the sausages were a mistake.  The fat seeping from the chorizo into the toast would have made the most dedicated grease freak blanch.  Why is it so hard to figure that much of the fat can be released by a few pricks to the skin, and that the application of a paper towel to the corpse of a sausage will improve its appearance and palatability no end?  Have I become a grumpy old bugger?  Don’t answer that. 

Gary Andrews


Monday 24 October 2011

SATURDAY BREAKFAST #10 - SMITH STREET, COLLINGWOOD (BETWEEN VICTORIA PARADE and GERTRUDE STREET)

Visited 22 October, 2011

One time in the 1970s, when I was a Partner of the accounting firm Irish Young & Outhwaite, I was asked to deliver an after-dinner address to a group of recruits.  These were the new university graduates who had recently been hired by the firm around Australia, and who were attending a week-long orientation course in Melbourne.  There was to be a final semi-formal dinner, with the obligatory speaker accompanying the coffee, and I was that speaker.  The subject of the address was to be of my choosing, but “something appropriate”!
I can’t recall the title, but the theme of my address was (a) that business letters, while necessarily accurate, should not be boring, (b) that business letters should be focussed, and free of waffle, and (c) that business letters should launch straight into their point – with an arresting first sentence.  I rather stressed this latter requirement by asserting that the writer of a business letter should strive to capture the reader’s attention in the same way that a good novelist does………...and then I proceeded to enthral my audience with a dozen or so first lines from the novels of Compton Mackenzie, a writer whom I much admired, but who these days has drifted into obscurity.  He was already pretty obscure in the 1970s.
Mackenzie lived a hugely diverse and productive life, from 1883 to 1972.  He was a Scottish nationalist - although being educated in the English public schools system and at Oxford, he was also as English as the English.  In his time he was an historian, he was involved in British espionage during the First World War, he wrote fiction including nearly 20 books for children, he wrote numerous books of history and biography, and he was a broadcaster.  His passion was music, and not only did he write critiques of gramophone recordings, but he wrote a number of books on music subjects.  In all, Mackenzie published around 100 books; I have 84 of them.  But Mackenzie was most famous as the founder of The Gramophone magazine, the self-styled home of “the world’s best classical music reviews”, and which is published monthly to this day.  The masthead of The Gramophone proclaims that it was “founded in 1923 by Sir Compton Mackenzie…………as ‘an organ of candid opinion for the numerous possessors of gramophones’.”  It was through The Gramophone that I became aware of Mackenzie, and somewhat obsessed by him.
I have no recollection of the reaction of the sated and tired office recruits to my un-accountant-like talk, but I doubt they were impressed.  One person’s passion is another person’s ennui; and, what’s more, I fancy that if a writing style hasn’t been nurtured by age 20 then it’s hardly likely to be triggered by thirty minutes of after-dinner preaching.
And how relevant, I hear you ask, is all this to breakfast in Smith Street, Collingwood? 
The relevance is that I was mulling over how to commence this piece, and looking for something attention-grabbing, when I realized that I had two equally useful ways to begin.  First there was the fact that there’s a McDonald’s outlet on one corner; and I was going to say something like:  “Well, it was inevitable that it would happen one day, and that we would be forced to contemplate breakfast at McDonald’s.”  Alternatively, I was going to say something like:  “I can categorically state that I have never seen such a diverse and interesting group of businesses in a strip as short as the strip of Smith Street between Victoria Parade and Gertrude Street. “
Then having toyed with these opening alternatives I discarded both in favour of the anecdote about trying to impart the importance of a good beginning…………..and I wonder whether, by now, anybody is still reading this blog.
Smith Street is a long unbroken shopping strip.  A hundred years ago it was fashionable, and the place to be and be seen.  It sold everything.  But it declined, the emporia closed, and what had been an "honest working-class suburb” became a suburb of “slums”.  The hard times in Smith Street persisted for a generation, perhaps two; but it’s now reviving.  We had traversed Smith Street previously, but never the short section running south from Gertrude Street to the T-junction at Victoria Parade.  Here we found the eccentric array of businesses; including, surprisingly, a couple of breakfast choices.   Against gut logic we passed by the place that was very busy, and chose the almost-empty one.  Our choice couldn’t have been more fortuitous.
Although unable to spot any name on the frontage, we were assured that the name is Starts Café.  It is at number 24 Smith Street.  There was one other diner only during our sojourn, and a few people who came in for takeaway coffee; business was distressingly bad.  And presumably this was the normal situation, because the young man worked alone, both front-of-house and in the kitchen.  His coffee was superb, and hot.  His big breakfast was as good as any we’ve had – copious bacon; perfectly scrambled eggs; excellent small sausages (not chipolatas); all served on toasted bread that was grainy, but not tooth-breakingly dense, and lathered with butter; plus - the chef’s suggestion – a serve of fried onions.  Seventh heaven is the final state of eternal bliss – well, we’d stumbled upon eighth heaven.  Okay, I exaggerate, but it’s not often I find myself salivating as I recall a recent meal.  Okay, another porky – I frequently salivate at the remembrance of food past.
Now to the non-breakfast elements of today’s stretch of Smith Street.  In the popular music trade they recognize a genre known as the “list song”, a song whose lyrics are little more than a list of items or situations or ideas – for example Cole Porter’s Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall in Love, My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music, a hit of 1949 “A” - You’re Adorable, and the home-grown I’ve Been Everywhere.  There are dozens of list songs.  My brief run-down of the various Smith Street premises will have the flavour of a list song, albeit one not yet set to music.
#   A shop selling necklaces of both contemporary design and contemporary materials.
#   A garage window, with a Bentley pointing into the street and a Rolls tucked in behind.
#   The Lost & Found Market, sellers of second-hand furniture – quite large premises – with a sign on the window advising relocation around the corner……..that was due to happen a week prior, but hadn’t yet.
#   Australian Galleries, one of Melbourne’s leading private galleries, and the exhibitor of choice for many prominent artists.
#   The 65 Smith Street Gallery, currently holding an exhibition for the International Association of Hand Papermakers and Paper Artists.
#   A shop selling a wide range of fascinating items principally made from recycled materials.
#   Interior decoration specialists, with their total range of hard and soft furnishings bedecked in silver and black – no problem with the merchandise, but surely a problem finding customers.
#   Several women’s clothing shops – but without closer inspection I couldn’t decide whether to elevate them from "clothing" to "frock" or even to "garment".
#   A Thai massage establishment.
#   A tattooist in upmarket premises, specializing in “body art”.
#   A hat-maker, whose shop window was filled with decorated men’s top hats – fancy stitching on one, one with snakes sprouting from the crown, one with a clutch of tiny fingerboards mounted on the top, and one covered in hundreds-and-thousands.  Zany.
#   “St. Luke Artist Colourmen”, purveyors of hand-selected artists’ materials, with a window display of a paint which when applied to any metallic surface produces a rusted effect (or a verdigris effect).
Now is that list eccentric or not?
After breakfast we adjourned to the RACV Motorclassica at the nearby The Royal Exhibition Building.  There were a couple of hundred classic cars inside, and scores more in the grounds.  There was an emphasis on fast cars with, for instance, a palpitation of E-type Jaguars – note new collective noun.  For my taste there weren’t enough American limos of the 1930s – not a Packard to be seen – but who could complain?  All the men at the show had smiling faces and slightly dreamy eyes.  In another context I would have expected them to be wearing raincoats.
Gary Andrews
  p.s.  For the curious, here is a selection of Compton Mackenzie first lines.  Thirty-five years after my address to the recruits I find that Mackenzie’s style was somewhat generous, and although his first lines admirably set the scene, they are typically verbose.  What follows are four of the shorter ones:
*   By the time that Sylvia reached Paris she no longer blamed anybody for what had happened.
*   It may have been that the porter at York railway station was irritated by Sunday duty, or it may have been that the outward signs of wealth in his client were not conspicuous; whatever the cause, he spoke rudely to her.
*   Frightened by some alarm of sleep that was forgotten in the moment of waking, a little boy threw back the bedclothes and with quick heart and breath sat listening to the torrents of darkness that went rolling by.
*   The Highlands are not rich in domestic architecture.
And, speaking of first lines, nothing will ever beat L.P. Hartley’s opening to The Go-Between:  “The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.”



Sunday 16 October 2011

PIECES: ARMY DAYS

One possession that I would likely not rush to rescue in the face of an advancing fire is the medal commemorating my time as a conscript in the Australian Army. 

The medal was proposed by the Howard Government at the time of the 50th anniversary of the introduction of compulsory national service training in 1951.  Whether the striking of the medal was politically motivated I don’t know but, taking a cynical view, the armed services would have been ever alert to the possibility of sustaining enthusiasm among their alumni.  The national service medal was not a general issue, but was provided to those (eligible) souls who saw the newspaper advertisement in 2001 and filled out the application form.  All told, more than 300000 men were eligible to apply, and as of 30 June 2010 125425 had done so.  I sent off for my medal thinking it a bit of a joke, but having the medal provides me with a framework for this reminiscence.

Conscription into the armed services has had a curious history in Australia.  All those who served in the First World War were volunteers.  Half way through that conflict (although it wasn’t known at the time that the carnage was only half over) the ghastly attrition of the Western Front compelled the Federal Government to find additional cannon fodder, and in 1916 there was a national plebiscite to authorise conscription.  It failed.  So too did a second referendum, fifteen months later in 1917. 

Resistance to the idea of conscription never faded, and with the Second World War (a mere 20 years later, hence the huge number who served in both wars) although the Government was able to introduce conscription, it was only on condition that conscripts could not be sent for service beyond Australian territory.  This proviso, however, didn’t save the conscripts from being sent to serve in New Guinea, which was Australian “territory” at the time; no conscripts were sent to the Middle-East or to Europe unless they volunteered to go.

Conscription was abolished with the peace in 1945; but by 1951 Australia was at war again, this time in Korea, and compulsory military service was re-introduced.  The hand of history remained heavy, however, and although all males were required to register at age 18, and all the fit ones were indeed conscripted, there was no requirement that they serve in the Korean campaign.  National servicemen became members of the CMF, the Citizen Military Forces - trained servicemen to be kept “in reserve”.

It was under the system introduced in 1951 during the Korean War that I became a national serviceman, a “nasho”.  The law initially required six months of inducted training, with options of Army, Navy, or Air Force; and trainees then had to remain in the CMF for five years, and to attend whatever parades and camps were held during that time by their particular unit. 

By the time I was 18 in August 1957 the system had been significantly modified, principally because the Korean War had ended in 1953.  The alternative service options were no longer available, it was Army only; and it was no longer a system compulsory for all 18-year-olds – the birthday ballot had been introduced, and the odds of call-up were about one in three.  Moreover, if the lucky recruit was undertaking tertiary education, the six-months training camp was replaced by a six-weeks camp during the summer break in the academic year, to be followed by three consecutive annual three-weeks camps – so a total of 105 in-camp days – plus the regular through-the-year parades at (in my case) the drill hall of the Melbourne University Regiment in Grattan Street, Carlton.

[For completeness I should add that national service training was abolished in 1959…..but it was re-introduced in 1964 because of the Vietnam War (1962 to 1972).  Selection was again based on a birthday ballot, now for age 20-year olds, but this time conscripts had to serve for two years continuous full-time, plus three years on an active reserves list.  From 1966, active service in Vietnam was made mandatory, although this could be avoided by instead joining the CMF. There was considerable civil unrest in Australia on account of the Vietnam War, and massive protests against conscription.  Overall, some 19500 nashos went to Vietnam, and 187 of them died and 1500 were injured.  Conscription was ended once Gough Whitlam became Prime Minister in December 1972.]

I approached national service with some trepidation.  In a way the apprehension about receiving the envelope advising that your birth date had been chosen in the ballot was as great as the apprehension about the actual military experience itself.  I was notified some time in 1957, my first year of Commerce at The University of Melbourne.  Coincidentally, my cousins Graeme Lee and Howard Carter – both born in 1939 but with different birth dates - were also balloted into national service.

My family was living at the shop in Bridge Road, Richmond at the time, and I was ordered to report for enrolment and a medical at the Army drill hall in Gipps Street Richmond (off Church Street, near the corner of Swan Street).  The medical was perfunctory, I was declared fit, and I was in………….but with no sense of exhilaration at the prospect of serving my country.  As I perceived it, what I had to look forward to was the wasting of six weeks of the coming vacation “playing soldiers” at Puckapunyal Army base.

This duly happened.  In those days there was an Army depot on the south side of Swan Street, East Melbourne, to the city side of the Punt Road intersection. The depot no longer exists, and that section of Swan Street has been renamed Olympic Boulevard.   It was there that the members of the January 1958 intake gathered, and were loaded into a convoy of army trucks bound for Puckapunyal. [In later years we took the train from Spencer Street Station - now Southern Cross - from whence we were railed to the Dysart Defence Sidings, a little short of Seymour. and then loaded into army trucks for trans-shipment the few kilometres to our camp-site.]

Upon arrival at Puckapunyal, as I recall, the sequence was that we were first given a medical.  This involved all the conscripts standing around the walls of a large hall, undressing, and then laying their clothes in a neat pile on the floor in front of them.  It was hot, so no-one got a chill.  The medical consisted of an officer medico, plus another officer or two, circling the room and checking for flat feet.  The chap next to me was decreed to have flat feet, his army days were over after less than a day, and he was discharged.  While inspecting the recruits’ feet the officers also checked for inguinal hernia by the time-honoured method of asking each recruit to cough.  I am not kidding.  The room was so large that I didn’t see whether anybody earned a hernia ticket to freedom and, in any case, it wasn’t polite to do too much groin gazing. 

Next it was off to the quartermaster’s store to be kitted out; and we were pretty soon allocated to our units and assigned to out living quarters.  And I think it was quite soon after, probably the next day, that we were given a raft of shots.  Doubtless this would have included immunisation against typhoid, cholera and tetanus.  It also included the BCG vaccination against tuberculosis, and here I became involved in a brouhaha.  Although BCG had been around for many years, Australia was not then (nor now) considered to be a place with high risk of tuberculosis infection, and in the 1950s vaccination was largely restricted to aboriginal people.  The Army made the assumption that its personnel might be exposed to tuberculosis in some wretched part of the globe, and further assumed that none of its recruits would have previously had a BCG vaccination, so everyone was a candidate.  The vaccination invariably leaves a lesion on the upper arm - the typical scratch point - and as I was about to be scratched and infected the doctor noticed that I had already been vaccinated.  I had not.  The scab mark on my arm was the result of having been vaccinated against smallpox.  This had happened prior to my trip overseas with the Sun Youth Travel contingent two years earlier.  In those days overseas travel, and hence smallpox vaccination, was quite rare for children and young people, so I had to go through the rigmarole of explaining my story.  Honesty is undoubtedly the best policy (!), but I’d merely talked myself into an encounter with a sharp object that I might otherwise have avoided by being less forthcoming.

I have never been a fan of needles, and have fainted more than once at the prospect.  It doesn’t bother me now, but I still don’t like to “look”.  Mass immunisations are never organised to take the pressure off the squeamish, on the contrary.  The queue snakes through the public hall to the immunisation point set up at the far end for all to see and contemplate as their turn comes closer.  The Army was no different, except that the queue was longer and the waiting time interminable. 

Puckapunyal Army base was established in 1939, and was for some time the largest military base in Australia, with a peak of about 4000 personnel.  In addition to the Puckapunyal camp area, there are about 40000 hectares of open range country, off limits to non-military personnel.  In 1958 Puckapunyal was the home of the First Armoured Regiment of the Australian Army (proud owners of the Centurion tank fleet acquired progressively from 1952).  It was also home to a battalion of national service trainees and their attached regular Army personnel.

Although there were occasions when the whole battalion was on parade together, during our time in camp we were pretty focussed on our own company, “C” Company in my case.  Doubtless that was part of the Army’s mateship psychology.  There was an even closer connection with those in your barrack.  There were three platoons I think (hence three barracks), of about 16 men each, making “C” company of about 50 men.  At one end of each barrack there was a room with two beds, possibly meant to accommodate non-commissioned officers (NCOs), but the rest was an open room.  Not surprisingly, we were billeted alphabetically, so in nearby beds were Allen, Bolitho, Boyle, Bond, Bow, Beard, Bassett and Blythe. 

Sensibly, the Army had put together those recruits who were undertaking tertiary education, and that’s what “C” Company comprised.  There were non-tertiary recruits in camp at the same time too.  Here my story becomes a bit confused, because tertiary students were in camp for six weeks only, whereas the others should have been there for just short of five months.  (By 1958 the original 176-days intakes had been reduced to 140-days.)  There must, therefore, have been some overlapping of training schedules for the summer camps.  One day when visiting the camp library I saw specific evidence of recruits who were not in tertiary education - a classroom of about 20 nashos who had been identified as illiterate, and who were being given intensive English lessons.  It was clear that these lessons took some priority over military training.  The Army did some fine things.

My initial fears about camp life mellowed to misgivings, and then disappeared altogether, and my army experience proved to be generally enjoyable, even rewarding.  I never found the discipline and the regimentation hard to handle – reveille at six, ablutions forthwith, straight to breakfast, making your bed and space ready for inspection, the endless polishing of the brass belt fittings, and the endless spitting and polishing of boots.  None of this was hard for me; nor was “square bashing”.  Being taught to drill in unison, the endless hours on the parade ground, can be thought of as a process for robbing men of their individuality, and of indoctrinating them with the reflex to take orders without question. But it is more.  It produces camaraderie; it is an object of pride in itself.  There is satisfaction in marching and drilling to perfection.  And we had great enjoyment on route marches from the accompanying ribald songs, many of which I have never forgotten.

This is not to say that the six weeks in camp was totally stimulating.  There were numerous hours spent just waiting, hours of frustration and boredom.  There were numerous SNAFUs (this is the American version – Situation normal: all fucked up), which we preferred to call SOMFUs (Same old military fuck up).  And I regret that there was a pretty overt intellectual snobbery expressed by us university types towards the lesser-educated NCOs who were in charge of our training.  Mind you, the scoffing tone didn’t exist at the outset, and it emerged only against those NCOs who had  exhibited some less than noble trait - like the sergeant who offered to have his wife iron our shirts - for a small fee!  He never again had our respect. This same sergeant had started our first day of training with the news that (holding up his rifle) this is my rifle (then holding his crutch) and this is my gun; (rifle) this is for fighting, (crutch) and this is for fun.  Thereafter it was a serious misdemeanour to refer to your rifle as a gun.

Through our six weeks we not only learnt to march, to take orders, and to be disciplined in every way, but we learnt about weaponry, and how to stick a bayonet into a swinging bag of straw.  Our rifles were Lee-Enfield 303s, bolt action, single shot, with a clip of 10 bullets.  Lee-Enfields, introduced in 1895, were the standard issue rifles of the British Army, and several of the Commonwealth Armies.  There had been later modifications, but the rifle had basically remained the same.  Around 17 million were made.  The year of manufacture was stamped on each rifle, and we could see that some of our platoon had rifles that were over 50 years old.  Ancient rifles or not, the Lee-Enfields were a classic weapon, indeed the weapon of choice for snipers.  The sights were not telescopic, but were able to be adjusted for long distance, with a maximum calibrated range of two miles (3.2 kilometres).  That’s an extraordinary range; but be assured, if the shooting was accurate the target would be felled at that distance.

We practised first at the 25 yards range in the Puckapunyal camp site.  I was pretty proficient at that short distance.  Later, out on the rifle range, my aim was not nearly so good – from 200 yards to 800 yards it became progressively worse; and it wasn’t until some time later that I discovered I was short sighted, and that I needed glasses.  

Another time on the range we practised hand grenade throwing – one throw apiece.  The standard issue “pineapple” hand grenades, with the held-down lever and the ring-pull release had, like the Lee-Enfields, been around for ever.  They weighed one-and-a-half pounds, 765 grams.  I read somewhere that 75 million were made during the First World War.  What an appalling statistic. They are more properly called Mills bombs.  The depiction of grenade usage in the movies is usually fanciful.  Grenades are designed to distribute shrapnel upon detonation.  That distribution is not one-directional – shrapnel goes in all directions.  It is said that a soldier with a good arm can toss a Mills bomb for about 100 feet, approximately 30 metres.  The lethal range, however, is greater than 100 feet.  Thus any soldier who doesn’t toss from behind cover is likely to become a victim of his own weapon.  Toss from a trench okay, toss into a doorway okay, drop into a tank hatch okay, but toss on the battlefield at the advancing enemy – nuts.  There is also the issue of timing.  Originally, the Mills bomb detonated seven seconds from the release of the lever.  The pin could be pulled, and the lever held down indefinitely, with no problem – apart from the problem of putting the pin back, or finding a spot to trigger the explosion safely for the thrower and his comrades.  But it was found that seven seconds was too long.  It gave time for the enemy to take cover; or, worse still, for the enemy to toss the grenade back.  The problem could obviously be solved by holding on to the grenade for several of those seven seconds before tossing it, but this strategy carried its own risks.  In 1940 the detonation delay was reduced to four seconds.

Grenade day on the range was far and away the tensest experience of my national service – worse than the injections!  We had practised with dummy grenades; but when it came to the real thing the regular Army personnel were taking no chances, although they were on tenterhooks nonetheless.  We nashos were all sheltered in bunkers below ground level, and one-by-one we were ushered into the bunker from which we would be throwing over the lip to the open ground beyond.  The routine was counted down by the sergeant and, once we’d thrown, all those in the bunker hit the ground.  Several other regulars were in the bunker, primed and alert.  One was dressed in body armour and held an upright mattress, and it was his job, should the nasho panic and drop the grenade in the bunker, to smother it with the mattress and his body.  Given the stories we’d been told about the force of a Mills bomb I think those in the bunker probably believed that such a manoeuvre would have represented a free ticket to martyrdom.  I have a recollection that the grenades we used were of the older seven second type, but you know what:  if there had been a cock-up the effect would have been the same! 

During the Second World War many Australian troops were issued with a personal machine gun, the Owen gun. The Owen was Australian-designed in 1939, and was regarded as very reliable, regardless of foul operating conditions.  Hence it was popular in the mud and rain of the New Guinea jungles.  Around 50000 Owen guns were made; and the weapon was still being used during the Korean War and the Vietnam War.  But we nashos never saw one in 1958.  I guess there was no need: Australia was not then at war, and there was no particular point in us being trained in the use of a personal automatic weapon.  We were, however, trained in the use of the Bren gun.

I don’t recall the rules that governed the deployment of Bren guns, how many per company, but I think it was one per platoon.  Each Bren had two gunners, one to do the shooting, and one to assist, carry spare ammunition etc.  The Bren had been introduced into the British Army (and by osmosis, the Australian Army) in 1935.  It was of Czechoslovakian design, and took its name from Brno, the place of design, and Enfield, the place of manufacture.  It was an infantry weapon, although it could also be mounted on vehicles.  It was regarded as the primary infantry light machine gun. It was magazine fed and not belt fed, and it fired approximately 500 rounds per minute.  It was the same .303 calibre as the Lee-Enfield infantry rifle.  Its effective range was 600 yards (500 metres), although it had a maximum range of 1850 yards.  Few of our number were chosen to be Bren gun carriers, but we all had to learn the gun’s mechanism – including learning how to “strip” and re-build – and to learn its capabilities.  A notable feature of the Bren is that, without being directed by the gunner, it will not send hundreds of bullets to the same spot but will saturate a teardrop-shaped area of the landscape ahead.

During our six weeks at Puckapunyal I achieved the second-best sun-tanned arms and face in the platoon, second only to a chap of Greek parentage; and I became the fittest I’ve ever been.  We had unlimited access to the camp picture theatre, and – unless we’d been rostered for guard duty – had leave passes to Seymour for Saturday evenings.  Given the absence of an enemy, guard duty was understandably boring,  profoundly boring, and my trick to keeping alert and awake was to try silently to hum through each of my thin collection of LPs, track by track, note by note. 

The culmination of the six weeks was a bivouac of several days into the Puckapunyal scrubland, to give us a taste of “real” battle conditions – so real that although we carried our rifles (and Bren guns) we had no ammunition!  There was never any suggestion that we should be issued with helmets and, truth to tell, we were happy enough with our slouch hats.  We did learn how to dig slit trenches.  And we did learn to cover our faces with charcoal for night-time combat; and we learnt to stick grass and small branches into our hatbands for day-time camouflage.  Crawling along on your elbows with your rifle held at the port - horizontally in front of your body - is not meant to be easy, but on a stinking Australian day at the end of a long summer, it is particularly un-nice.  Still, it was a lesson in the reality of war – the truism that it has never been for the foot-soldiers to choose the time and the place.  By the way, after hearing the scary stories of bazookas, armour-piercing shells and such like, and the survival rate for tank crews who take a hit, we were unanimous in our view that, front line or not, the infantry is the better forward unit to be in.

The remembrance of slit trenches brings back the memory of the night it rained.  A slit trench is as long as you want to make it – a four man trench is longer than a three man trench, and so on.  As to height: the ones we dug on the Puckapunyal range were deep enough for us to stand in them up to about our middle chest – we had to be able to rest our rifles on the edge of the trench.  The slit trenches weren’t very deep front to back, hence their name – just roomy enough so that we could drop down for cover without becoming jammed.  Throughout the bivouac the heat had been dreadful, and the digging of the trenches had been quite a business.  It would have been possible for at least one person to sleep in the bottom of the trench, but not very appealing; and although we were involved in a serious war game against another unit, everybody chose to sleep on the ground on their groundsheets.  Everyone, that is, except the soldier who was on guard.  The guard changed every two hours through the night, and guard duty was undertaken standing in the trench. During the night it rained, boy did it rain, so much so that there was water in the trenches up to the knees of those on duty.  I was on watch for the hours just before dawn, and the sun actually arose before “stand to” was called.  I saw a remarkable sight – soldiers laying everywhere still asleep, drenched through, and the sun causing steam to rise from their sleeping bodies.  Then they were wakened, and everyone jumped into the slit trenches and the water and the mud to be ready for a possible enemy attack.  As the morning progressed we all dried off…….and nobody developed so much as a sniffle from their night in the rain.

And so the restrictions of the “holiday” spent at Puckapunyal drifted into the freedoms of student life, 1958 version.  I attended periodic parades at the Grattan Street drill hall, but remember little.  There was no space to practise marching and drill, so I imagine that our instructors tried to teach us things like map reading, and (advanced) Bren gun dismantling and re-assembling.

In January 1959 and January 1960 I was off again, to the obligatory three-week camps.  This time the camps were run by Melbourne University Regiment; and rather than occupy the national service lines at Puckapunyal, we were quartered at Site 17 to the east of Seymour (Puckapunyal is to the west).  I have checked the internet, and the only reference to Site 17 says that it had been the training ground for the Victorian Mounted Rifles (a unit formed in 1885), and later the Australian Light Horse.  It was formerly known as Kitchener’s Camp.  We nashos were never told of this illustrious history.  My two stints at Site 17 are not separate in my memory, and I’m mostly unclear about which recollections relate to which year.

While Site 17 had full ablution and dining facilities, we were not housed in barracks, but in six-man tents.  The tents were A-frame, and the only place we could stand upright was in the middle under the centre ridge.  The tents were fitted with duckboards, and we slept on hessian palliasses.  Our first task on arrival was to fill the hessian bags from a supply of fresh straw.  The site was no more or less hospitable than Puckapunyal but, as it happens, the summers were hotter.

It needs to be understood that MUR, the Melbourne University Regiment, has had a traditional role of training future Army officers.  The grand plan of the military for general mobilisation and warfare is that the bulk of the front-line fighting will be done by the volunteers and - depending on Government policy at the time - by the conscripts.  The permanent Army will not be used to fight, but rather to train these soldiers.  There will obviously be initial timing delays, but the strategy makes sense.  If the whole of the permanent army is deployed at the commencement of hostilities, and is wiped out, who will train the recruits who come after?  The scenario also requires a new wave of officers.  The existing officers are needed in the field from day one, but there must be a replacement plan.  Enter the likes of MUR, regiments specifically designated as officer training units.  Whether this meant that at Site 17 we were given the kid glove treatment, or whether we were fast tracked or hot housed, or whatever, I don’t know.  But I do recall classes that you would not expect to be part of a typical army training regime.  We were, for instance, taught to prepare impromptu talks; and taught to eliminate ums and ahs when delivering speeches.  This latter technique - to fill the space between utterances with dead silence rather than bridging with non-words - was a lifetime lesson for me.

The MUR was not immune from stupidity, though.  Near the conclusion of one camp we went on the obligatory bivouac, and we played the obligatory war games.  On our way back to camp we halted on the banks of the Goulburn River.  Why?  Well, while we had not been issued with live ammunition during any of our manoeuvres, the unit had been carrying thousands of rounds.  So instead of returning this ammunition to store, and filling out the inevitable forms, the unit lined up along the river, took up our firing positions of choice (prone or kneeling), and blasted away at the opposite bank.  This mayhem went on for ten minutes or more.  There were so many rounds fired that some of the Bren guns became red hot and misfired.  Other Brens were able to sever river red gums, which went tumbling into the River.  Disgraceful in retrospect, and disgraceful at the time.  Our CO was – gasp – very concerned about wasting the taxpayers’ money, so the order went around that every brass shell had to be recovered and taken back with us.  The destruction of the environment and the wastage of lead and gunpowder was apparently not an issue.

One side effect of the furious onslaught on our hearing was that I had ringing in my ears for ages, and eventually tinnitus in my left ear that continues to this day.

Another MUR inanity was perpetrated by the regiment’s own in-house biological and chemical warfare group.  These people did not create or deliver biological and chemical weaponry – at least I hope not – rather they were concerned to deal with the aftermath of such an attack on our troops.  They were in the decontamination business.  The only decontaminant we run-of-the-mill soldiers ever encountered was water; and we became guinea pigs in an experiment to show how the whole unit could be effectively decontaminated.  So there we were out in the bush, and we had to remove our clothes and run through a cold shower – and then double back and get dressed.  No-one was spared, indeed our chubby and Shelley pink CO led his men through.  No-one was spared, that is, except the biological and chemical wallahs, who watched the whole proceedings fully clothed.  In a real-world scenario I suppose we would have spent somewhat longer under the shower, and would likely have applied some soap.  And our contaminated uniforms would have been discarded and we’d have been provided with new ones.  All that the experiment proved was that it was possible to improvise a showering apparatus, and to truck into the bush sufficient water to douse the whole unit.

For one of my Site 17 years, maybe both, there was a significant heat wave, and I recall that the daytime temperature stayed above 100 degrees Fahrenheit for nearly the whole time.  As it happens, cousins Graeme and Howard were in camp at the same time as my MUR camp – Graeme at Puckapunyal, and Howard also at Site 17 in MUR – and there was one memorable weekend when Kath and Bill Warren (Graeme’s parents), and the Carter family, arrived on the Sunday and took the three of us off to Lake Nagambie.  Refreshing swims but, even better, Bill was then driving his Ford Custom utility, and in the back had brought a big zinc tub filled with ice and soft drinks.  Bliss.

Then there was the weekend I went AWOL.    My parents, Gordon and Gloria, had rented a house at Carrum for some weeks of the Christmas vacation, and they were there with my younger sisters Margaret, Kathy and Judy.  I was at Site 17, missing out, and enduring a heat wave.  So I absconded for the day.  This, I know for sure, was in the January of 1960.  I know it was 1960 because Gordon was ill, and lay on the couch for all of the day that I was at Carrum.  He died three months later.

The Army never has taken, and didn’t then take, a benevolent view of soldiers who are absent without leave, and apart from the military police in jeeps who patrolled the area nearby to Puckapunyal and Seymour, there were patrols in the Melbourne CBD.  These latter, I suppose, weren’t specifically looking out for service personnel without leave passes, they were there to ensure that military personnel committed no public nuisance.  Still, there would be no joy in being picked up.  Getting to Melbourne was easy – just stand on the highway, and thumb a lift…….which is what I did.  The rest of my journey is a blank.  I presume that I simply took a train to the city from the spot where I was dropped, and then a second train to Carrum.  That wouldn’t have been hard.  But the return to Site 17 must have taken some doing.  I could hardly have thumbed a lift outside Flinders Street station; so after getting to the city from Carrum I must have taken the Upfield train, alighting at Fawkner or Gowrie, and then walked the short distance to the Hume Highway and allowed my thumb to do its magic.  Anyway, the whole episode was negotiated without a problem or capture, although I was no doubt fearful throughout.

There was one incident, however, that’s worth recounting, and it concerns the first leg of my journey, the getaway from Site 17.  I was positioned on the roadside beyond the camp, alert to the possibility of a passing jeep-load of military police – known affectionately as provos, and distinguishable by their white rather than khaki “webbing” (belt and gaiters).  I was in uniform, so the sight of any jeep would have propelled me into the roadside ditch.  I had walked a fair way from the Site 17 gate, so when a car appeared I had no way of knowing whether it had come from the camp, but I presumed not.  The driver was alone, and seemed happy to give me a lift – all the way to Melbourne as it transpired.  He quickly heard out my story, and what I was planning; then as we neared Seymour he pointed out the jeep coming towards us, and told me to get down below the dashboard.  As I dropped down I looked at the back seat – and there was an Army officer’s cap!  My chauffeur was a regular Army captain….and a good guy.

I conclude the saga of my Army days with the story of the password. This, again, concerns war games.  We had been split into two “armies”, and the task of my army was to infiltrate if possible the lines of the enemy – who were dug in on a bush-covered gently-sloping hillside more than a kilometre away. Our push didn’t get started until after sunset, probably around 9 p.m.  We covered the distance to the enemy lines first walking stealthily, then crawling.  For night-time engagements – especially when the enemy looks like you - it’s necessary to have passwords, say “idiot” to which the response is “pencil”, the idea being that the words must be unrelated and the first must give no clue to the second and lead to a lucky guess by the enemy.  We advanced in patrols of around ten men, each patrol accompanied by an NCO as observer. Our patrol indeed did get as far as the enemy’s forward position, but we ran into one of their defensive patrols.  It was very dark, one of their number called the first part of their password, we weren’t able to respond, and we skedaddled into the scrub with blanks being fired at our rears.  But we now knew the first part of their password.

I had seen many movies in my teens, and I knew what Hollywood required to be done.  When we next encountered an enemy patrol I called out their password, and received the second half in response.  We passed safely by; and, furthermore, spent the whole night progressively infiltrating their lines and trenches.  Our success was reported to the war games overlords, and our army was declared the “winner”.  I was something of a minor hero; and I can think of no better note on which to finish…….except to say that national service training was totally abolished after I had completed my second MUR camp, and I never had to attend the third.  I was obliged to return the key parts of my uniform to the drill hall, including my slouch hat and rising sun badge.  I was able to keep my two pairs of boots, one of which I still have.  I wasn’t able to find my Army-issue pullover, however, and its non-return meant – somebody said - that I couldn’t be formally discharged.  Anyway, I haven’t been bombarded with letters of demand over the years, although I bet the Army hasn’t forgotten.  There is, though, no chance of them ever wanting my services again.

The national service medal is of bronze.  The ribbon has a central yellow stripe, flanked in order by dark blue, white, green, light blue and ochre stripes.   The reverse has no words, merely a full sun motif, with the Southern Cross superimposed over the radiating sunbeams, all surrounded by a cogged wheel reminiscent of the Rotary International logo.  The obverse has an anchor, a pair of wings, and crossed swords, with a star above; and a St. Edward’s crown at the top that attaches to the bar through which the ribbon is threaded.  It has the words:  “Anniversary of National Service 1951-1972”.  There is a presentation vinyl box; and the cardboard slip-case has the reminder that for around 85 days I was a guest of the Australian Army – my service number 3780677.


Gary Andrews
 
Postscript:  The service number quoted above is not strictly correct.  There should be a forward slash between the first two digits, the 3 and the 7.  Before the days of widespread personal computers we didn’t use the expressions forward slash and backward slash – we referred to forward slashes as “obliques”.  In the Army we were frequently required to state our service number, and mine – 3/780677 – was “three oblique seven eight oh six seven seven”.

Second Postscript:  Because of my blurred recollection of the two MUR camps at Site 17 I have sent away for a copy of my Army records.  These are sketchy indeed, basically showing dates in and dates out.  There are the usual personal particulars – hazel eyes and brown hair etc. – but nothing about “performance”.  The records confirm, however, that I was a national serviceman in 20 National Service Training Battalion from 7 January to 24 March 1958, and a private in the Citizen Military Forces (attached to Melbourne University Regiment) from 25 March 1958 to 30 June 1960.  There is no reference to the missing pullover. But, to my surprise, I have ben advised that “you may wish to contact the Directorate of Honours and Awards regarding your possible entitlement to a further award, the Australian Defence Medal”.  Good grief!